Coming out of the funk ...
Back about 2 weeks ago I posted on my personal Facebook account about recognizing a depressive period’s imminent arrival. Then I spent 4 days at a (previously scheduled) pretty intense and immersive leadership class whose base point begins with False Limiting Beliefs and how they shape our outlook and actions. No point in holding back now - it left me shell shocked and really low. Add on top of that I didn’t have a down period to process, instead had other obligations (a tournament , Mother’s Day, return to work ) - and it has taken until I awoke this morning to “feel like me again”.
The past 2 years have been extremely trans-formative for me. Though not a mid-life crisis, I recognize that in nearly a month I will be 44, and likely I have less than 44 years to go.
What ,then, is the measure of my impact so far?
Do we , in general, have impact?
Am I happy with not only where I am - personally , professionally , socially - and how I have gotten here?
Like the Queen song goes “ ...bad mistakes, I’ve made a few..” . But I accept that mistakes are part of the journey. I want to think that a life devoid of mistakes and some pain - while idyllic and benignly pleasant - likely would be also dull and unimpressive. How can we understand sweetness if we don’t have a concept of bitter, too?
So, yeah. I’m feeling better. I have a new focus on some improvements I want to make in life - some physical, some emotional, some simply pragmatic in how I relate to people - but nothing radical. I have to remind myself it is a journey , not a race. The finish line is actually the least important aspect of this trip, for me.
While I am sharing, let me finish with a lesson I learned last week - no. That’s not right. Let me share with something I know, and I hope you know, but I had forgotten and needed to be reminded:
You are worthy, and you are lovable. But that starts with you. I had forgotten that.
More specifically in the last few years of pushing myself, of actively scrubbing myself of my own prejudices and judgements, I had done so at some expense to how I viewed myself. I assigned guilt to myself for feeling the way I felt in the parts of my life and persecuted myself while I was seeking to improve them.
It’s funny but here’s a simple example: Say I “didn’t like that guy because he’s from XYZ “. I worked so hard to address the judgement (he’s from XYZ so he’s not worthy) and trying to actively overcome it - but at the same time instead of simply acknowledging the judgment, working past it and moving on, I also condemned myself for having it in the first place.
That’s not self improvement. That’s self punishment - and it is toxic.
Anyway - Enjoy your day and enjoy your journey. As always - know you are not alone, folks who “have their shit together” struggle too, and most of all whatever you are fighting try and remember that somewhere there is someone who will listen - don’t suffer alone.
Thanks - The HP
TL/DR: Remember to love yourself - always.